You were supposed to attend with me. You shouldn’t have been irrational, stupid. I really want you to go. I just had to tell you exactly what was wrong with me before we went. Now it just saddens me every time I had to explain to our festival friends why you aren’t going.
You have better attend next year. I’m holding you to it.
Until then, I wonder, would you agree to dinner and dates with me? I still have all these romantic feelings for you, I just can’t have the commitment/expectations. But after reflecting on it, I do miss you. Damn, I miss you. I feel even more alone now than the last few weeks.
I don’t regret our relationship. It just can’t work under the circumstances right now. But, I’m glad we can be friends, & possibly even more at times.
After the day was over, thinking about you brought tears to my eyes. I do miss you, but I also miss the person you were when I first met you. If you were that person again, and we’re both in better positions, we could happen again.
There’s just too much going on right now. I really hope you’re true to this friendship. You were one of the few that knew me best.
I finally had it today. I just could not go through attending the festival with all those feelings bottled up, making for an awkward time at a festival.
So I gave it all out. Honesty: how I’m really feeling, what I want. I feel better now that he knows, and it is up to him on whether he wants to be friends, more than friends, and even about attending TomorrowWorld.
I wished I didn’t have to do it over text. But you can’t give me the damn message of “thanks for the text talk” when you can’t even pick up the damn phone call!
I guess, what I miss most, was the chase. He settled. I couldn’t deal with that. When all you want to do is get faded, I lose interest. That’s just it. I can’t do it. When I look back, I forced him into all of our dates, well, simply because I gave the ultimatum go with me or enjoy yourself in solitude until I come back. I can’t date a “hippie” guy. I need someone with drive. I thought you had that. I do care about you, I really do. But this whole relationship thing? I can’t commit. I now remember why I had trouble keeping a relationship; I become so busy with my academics and life that I barely have time to squeeze in time to see the other person. It’s unfair to them.
And I hate hanging on a cliffhanger.
And now that he knows how I feel, I am now willing to help him attend the festival, if he wants to, that is. I just couldn’t help him when I wasn’t being honest to him, to me.
And frankly, I got tired of bitching about him. It was about time I actually said something. I mean, you had to notice something was off if I only call/text you once or twice a week..
Since TomorrowWorld is less than 10 days away, I want to share my favorite moment from that weekend. Axwell <3 Can’t wait to be back! Sadly, I may not close out any days at mainstage this year; if I do, it’ll be kaskade.
Many days, my dreams are insanely vivid and “creative”. Those dreams can still be recalled clearly even to this day, even though I dreamt of it weeks, months, and some of them years, ago. Thinking of making a tumblr to record my dreams, like some people tell me too, Probably call it “dreamadrenalinh” or something.
I want a gym partner, preferably a guy gym partner that I can also be really good friends with.
What sucks, is that I’m really picky about who I hang out with because I want to be around people I can trust. That and I’m in Mobile, and most college students are much younger than me.
I have a stupid amount of like & dislike when it comes to Trevis. It makes me wonder if he’s just my Mr. Right Now, and if so, when’s the right time to break up? I absolutely love his company, that is, when I don’t feel the need to choke the life out of him or kick him off the balcony. There are things I like about him, such as his sweetness, but at the same time his flaws drive me absolutely insane to where I think, “no way can I see myself still dating this guy 3 years from now.” I honestly don’t have a clue how this relationship will end up. It’s very possible I’m jaded when it comes to serious relationships and rather date casually for the good company, or that I truly believe in love at first sight and still waiting for “that moment”.
The realist in me fights the dreamer in me.
I’m seriously contemplating on chasing after a Bachelor’s of Nursing (hopefully get accepted in the accelerated program) and advancing up that ladder in Nursing.
Don’t get me wrong. I loved that I studied exercise science. In fact, that has made me a better massage therapist and have a more complete understanding in exercise physiology, nutrition, injuries, etc. Just wished I realized this before I graduated & applied to my Master’s program that I’m currently enrolled in. Talking to a nursing advisor next week.
Counting down the days to NYC and Above & Beyond’s Group Therapy 100th show at Madison Square Garden! It’s less than 3 months away!
EDC LAS VEGAS 2014
I normally don’t repost, but after seeing fireworks at EDC, the normal 4th of July fireworks display doesn’t compare. Just saying.
I had a great childhood. Sheltered, yes, but great. I grew up as “daddy’s girl”, & everyone knew that fact. Up until those years surrounding the new millennia, my view on my family was almost perfect. Because I was still a child, I didn’t realize the signs that surrounded me like I can see now when I look back into my childhood memories.
My mom, she has every right to feel the way she does, but she does not hold the right to force us kids to hate our father. What he did, it was under the influence of drugs, alcohol, gambling, and other things. My father never cared for his family the way a father should. He was never one for religion. He left us.
And because he left us, left me, it totally screwed me for the next decade or so. My self-esteem was shot. I was forced to revisit my demons over and over, and painfully become aware that he’ll never come back. I ruined a lot of my confidence, my relationships, and life itself. We kids endured the wrath of her anger towards our father, for years and years. People in the church looked at us with pity, in which I absolutely hated. I stopped believing in a church. I self-destructed. Amidst the self-destruction, I had to slowly build myself again. And here I am.
I never thought he was ever going to want to see us again; boy, was I ever wrong. If he had never wrote me a letter in response to the invitation to my college graduation, I wouldn’t know what to think of my dad. It’s still pretty recent, but my father became the bigger person and an actual father the day he decided he wanted to keep us kids in his life. I’m not how it happened, possibly because he has found God somehow, and that had changed him completely. No more drugs, no more drinking, no gambling; just him, church, work, and some time to try to see us kids. My mom doesn’t believe he’s changed, but maybe the hate she has filled in her heart for him has made her blind to it.
I don’t expect a family reunion between all of us to happen. I just want us kids to be able to see him without going behind her back, without her trying to remind us what he did over a decade ago, what he was then. If she could open her mind and her eyes, she could see how much this really means to us, especially to me. Hate and regret gets one nowhere. Is it really that hard for a person to become the bigger person, to let go of grudges, hate, and regrets, and forgive? It appears so. I’m not putting my mother down either. She is an amazing woman, and one hell of a mother. I love her to death, and without her, I would not know where I’d be. I grew up as “daddy’s girl”, but somewhere in time after high school and some broken relationships later, I became “Momma’s girl” too.
I’ve grown up. I’ve let go of many, if not all, of my past, my grudges, and regrets. That step in itself, had made me a better person. It doesn’t mean I’ll be nice to everyone who has screwed me royally in the past; I’m not that much of a forgiving idiot, but maybe there’s a second chance of some kind of reconciliation or closure. Life is too little for petty things, but I will treat you the way you treat me. That’s only fair.
I have both my parents, who I know now who loves me to no end. They show their love differently. They don’t dote on me, but I know from their actions they do care, a lot. It may not be the perfect parent situation, but I’ll take both parents loving me over none.
Many people from the Gulf coast, particularly Asians, are amongst a group of people that I barely trust or befriend. And those that I have a slim chance to trust, yeah, after a couple trips where you guys happen to be in the same city as me because you caught on to the festival fad, or whatever you call it, I really don’t trust you guys. You all are just acquaintances, in my opinion. I don’t live a party life. Don’t say that I’m always partying. 25 days out of the month I’m cooped up in my apartment, my parents’ house, or with the boyfriend. I don’t like surrounding myself with large groups of Asians. I’m not exactly racist towards my own, I just prefer not to surround myself with close-minded people who are absolutely going nowhere, with the only things going for them are partying, material things, and gossip mill. I always have that nagging feeling when shit goes down the hole, you’ll save yourself and stab me in the back. Yeah, I said it [on tumblr, anyways, knowingly 98% won’t read this unless someone has been snooping, etc.]
Now, the Asians I do hang out with, they have motivation, drive, are well-socialized and educated. You understand why I don’t like hanging out with “Asians”, because you have a similar reason. Thanks for not letting me be the only person who feels this way.
Checking skydiving off the bucket list! Glad to experience all of or first skydives together with my cousins & boyfriend! #skydivelasvegas #skydiving
Partied til the sun rose at #edclv #edcdayone #edclv2014. If it wasn’t for these two to convince me to do EDC, I wouldn’t have gone. My two favorite people: the boyfriend and the girlfriend. ❤️❤️ (at Electric Daisy Carnival - Las Vegas Motor Speedway)
Just booked our skydive for the first morning of EDC! #firsttimeskydiving #graduationpresent #skydivelasvegas